Psychologist Dr. Becky made a very interesting point in a podcast I listened to recently.

At her private practice in Manhattan, her clients seemed to tick all the boxes - they were successful, had good jobs, decent upbringings… but they seemed to be unhappy, and couldn't figure out why. 

At first you would assume that maybe there was something in their childhood (and therefore still in their subconscious) that might be contributing to their unhappiness, but it was actually the opposite - they all remembered quite loving, easy, fulfilled childhoods. Their parents “gave them everything”. 

She found that if a parent’s only goal was to make their child happy, it set them up for being unhappier adults. 

How? 

Well, "little Tommy" didn’t make the local soccer team. Disappointment. Dad swoops in, drives him 45 minutes each way to play for another team. Problem fixed. Happy kid. 

Jenny dropped her ice cream. Tears. Mom immediately buys a new one. Happy. 

In both of these circumstances, disappointment was 1) short, and 2) always followed (and relatively quickly followed) by happiness. There was never a need to sit in the uncomfortable emotion (and reality) of let down, disappointment, sadness… 

So as adults, not only have they become uncomfortable sitting in uncomfortable emotions, when it’s also not then followed by happiness, things feel unresolved. Something isn’t right. 

Sure, we don’t LIKE to see our kids unhappy, but I guess my point is, have comfort in knowing that when they are, they are learning a major life lesson - to deal with difficult emotions - and that may give them the ability to be “happier” adults. Immediately solving their problems robs them of building their self-confidence (and emotional intelligence). 

If you want your kids to be happy, “Happiness lies in your ability to sit in the divine unknown*.”

(*Unknown = the muck, the ick, the crappy feelings…) 

Help them do THAT.

But guess what? The SAME GOES FOR ADULTS!!

As a parent, it helps me find more comfort in watching Rome struggle with emotions (and being told NO, ha!) but as an adult, it helps me make sense of my own ability to be happy. 

Rather than decide uncomfortable feelings are bad, and happy feelings are GOOD, realize that the whole spectrum of emotions is part of the reality of life. It's not good or bad, it's normal. Get comfortable with it. 


(I then stumbled across Dr. Becky's book, Good Inside, where she reiterates the same thing. Whether you have kids or not, I think for adults who read this book, it helps them understand so much about themselves and how they learned to process (or not process) their own emotions. It's a great book for self-development in general, to help peel back another layer of what has made you, you.)

If you are serious about dating and finding your person, I URGE you to read this.
This is when I had one of my own epiphany moments, when I was craving a genuine connection with someone, and started questioning if it was ever going to happen…
 
Pay attention, there are about 3 important takeaways…
 
 Friendly reminder:

“The way” you think about something, can be exactly what is causing you to stress about it.     

Read that again: Not WHAT it is you are thinking about, but the WAY YOU are thinking about it.

This means, your belief about what happens in front of you, is more important than the facts that are actually right in front of you.
 
Here’s a really good example of that...
 
I want to share with you a moment in my life, where a simple unexpected conversation with a good friend, changed my mindset, almost instantly. The words she said weren’t necessarily all that profound but the impact was almost instant.
 
It was at a time in my life, where I was really struggling. I could both see and feel how being in the struggle was consuming my life. It was all I talked about.

I was chatting with a good girlfriend. We were both single moms at the time. We were both entrepreneurs, trying to run a business while making sure our kids were getting the right amount of attention,  feeling loved, hoping we are we being good parents, both living on an expensive island where we had to continue to make money, and both really interested in finding genuine love and having someone to share our life with.
 
I noticed though, if so much of our dynamics were similar, then why did I feel so constantly stressed about it, and she seemed to be ok.  Her energy seemed much better than mine, she seemed a lot less phased than I was…

So I just asked her one day...
 
“I said, "Look at me... I walk around stressed, what feels like all the time, wondering how I’m going to change my career, while raising my son, while trying to take care of myself and be happy, how does the future not scare you? Financially, having your own business, and raising children … do you not stress? How do you not look stressed like me all the time?"
 
Whether she had put any thought into this before or not, I don’t know, but very casually and confidently, she said, “I don’t plan on doing life alone. I do want to meet someone. I do want to find love and share my life with someone… so I know I will.  And when I do, I won’t be doing life alone. We will help each other out, create a partnership and build a beautiful life together, so I know all of this “doing life on my own” is just temporary.  And when I do meet that person, all the things I worry about, I won’t need to worry about. We will figure it out together.”
 
I thought, “Well ya, I want that, too….but…” - and that was it. That was my epiphany. That’s when I realized, it’s not the facts in front of us, but our beliefs about it, that were creating our current realties. (*Ahem* my current MOOD!)
 
She approached her wants with desire and faith. I approached mine with fear and worry. We want the same thing, AND we both have the same amount of proof in front of us that it could or wouldn’t workout.

The way we were thinking about it is what was creating stress for me, but ease for her. If you looked at straight facts, we were in the very same position, but the lens we projected into the future, changed the amount of stress we were experiencing about it in the current moment.

My lens was fear, hers was confidence, and we have the same information about our futures directly in front of our faces.

She didn’t have any more proof than I had that that was or wasn’t going to happen.
She expected it to happen.
 
I focused on, “What if I don’t find that person…?” while she planned for “I will and when I do…”, and those thoughts created our emotions at the current moment of time.

THAT is why this matters.

“Those thoughts created our emotions, and our energy, at that present moment in time.”
  
Being in that energy space, of lack and worry, had me cling to survival mentality. “Do it on your own”. It made me feel independent, but at the same time, it made me feel even more alone…even more closed off…almost like a self-sabotaging self fulfilling prophecy.
 
How did we develop such different mindsets over the same thing?

We were both positive people with what seemed like similar energies...?
 
Personally, for me, I had realized for a while that I had been stuck in survival mode since I was very young. "Survival mode" is a mindset. It's a space where we can get really stuck without some conscious effort to climb our way out.  

Mindsets like that are engrained in us when we are quite young, and tend to apply themselves across the board. This is an example of how mindset can be a blanket : we can apply the same survival mindset to experiences we haven’t even experienced yet. “How we do one thing, is how we do everything.”
 
This was a prime example of “What got you here, isn’t going to get you there.”
You might be successful, but what got you here, isn’t going to get you to the next level.
Being independent was important to be a working, single mom, but “Don’t worry about me, I got this, I don’t need anyone” isn’t “I’d love a partner in life” kind of energy…
 
 That moment still sticks with my today. It wasn’t that profound, but it changed everything.
 
The energy behind it was faith, and abundance, not fear, and survival.
 
My mindset, was protecting me. I have to do this on my own. But it was also forcing me to see all the reasons of why I had to keep doing it on my own and thus creating more reason to need to. Because that’ s what I was focused on, that’s what I was seeing. I kept thinking, "You're fine. You've got this. You're fine on your own,"  – yet that’s not what I wanted.
 
You can project both fear or hope into the future. That is a conscious choice. And it needs to be conscious. You have to catch yourself. But what you are focused on right now – the fear, can create your current mood – and your current mood, is what “your person” is going to be attracted (or not attracted) to.

Your thoughts about your future are affecting your mood and energy right now, in the present, impacting your ability to be your best self.
 
You can sense when people are “desperate.”
 
This is why your fear of being alone can manifest in attracting exactly that, in this exact moment.
 
You can project both fear or hope into the future. You have to catch yourself. This is why having a solid foundation of self-awareness is so important. There are so many tools I used to help develop this, the Energy Leadership Assessment being a big one, it tells you all you need to know about your current energy and outlook on life.
 
 
So keep in mind:
 
1. “The way” you think about something, can be exactly what is causing you, the stress about it.     
Not WHAT it is you are thinking about, but the WAY YOU are thinking about it.
 
2. That will impact your energy in the PRESENT MOMENT – it will create your current emotions, mood, and energy – and remember, energy is contagious.
 
3. “How we do one thing, is how we do everything.” Where else might this mindset be spilling over into other areas of your life?
 
Here’s how you can find out: My favourite self help tool ever. 

“If I’m not DOING something to chase my goals, I’m wasting my time.”

Do you ever feel like that?

That’s what I used to think, too. And then Thomas Edison made me realize otherwise. (What? The lightbulb guy...?) And experience, of course… to “know better” usually takes experience (proof) of the alternative.
 
But constantly "being productive" tends to mean that we put fun, play, hobbies, rest, socializing (all the “good things”) aside, not realizing that those things could be exactly what you need to help you “find your answers” or “solve your problems”.
 
What…?? How?!
 
5 things to counter the “I must be DOING” to be productive mindset:
 
1. Thomas Edison

Yes, the inventor of the lightbulb, would regularly fish alone. After thousands of attempts to make a filament, it was while fishing with a bamboo pole where he has an “ah-ha” moment! Bamboo wasn’t the final answer, but it burned much longer than what he was currently working on, and it worked when he returned to the lab to try it – it was the next step to get him to his final answer. An idea that came to him, when stepping away from the problem.
 
2. You already know. Your overthinking is too loud. 

If you are working through a problem and you have genuinely considered all options, chances are, the answer in already inside you - you just can’t HEAR it because of all the noise.
 
Your subconscious is PROCESSING the information, now let it do it's job.

How will you now if you need to do this?  The SAME thoughts are swirling and swirling and swirling around, no new added value. If you have thought of everything, try stepping away. The answer will come when you silence your brain, giving your inner voice/intuition to speak up and be HEARD.  

If you are overthinking it, chances are you are stressed.

And when we are stressed, we are looking for an exit plan.
 
3. Stress and the Emergency Exit

When we are stressed, we shift from seeing opportunities, to looking for the emergency exit. When we are in a stressful situation, most of the time, we want out. "Get me out of here!" We are looking for any exit…You see it, you go! Although, hold on… it might not have been the best door…
 
When we are less stressed, we are able to see more doors. More doors, lead to more opportunities and different pathways/solutions…  
 
Stepping away from a stressful situation allows our nervous system to calm down enough to not only be able to see more doors (to see more ways out of the stress), but to create more doors ourselves.
 
However, what does stress do to our creativity?
 
4. We are less creative when we are stressed...

…leading to less ways of doing things. If we step away from the stress, the work, the problem, not only can we see more options, but we can create them by being in new energy or a new environment .
 
 
“You’ve got to slow down, to speed up.”
 
And, "The pace of life, isn’t fast, yet everything gets done."

 
5. You must stop for gas.

When we take a break to fill our gas tank with fun, socializing, rest, exercise, and (gasp) JOY(!), we come back with a fuller tank. We have more to give than if we kept burning what’s left of the midnight oil.

We feel more like our true selves.
 
When we do FUN things, we literally “resonate at a higher frequency" (the frequency of joy) (don’t roll your eyes) – the same higher frequencies that allow us to be more creative, and come back solution focused, rather than problem focused.
 
And what if…
 
What if being productive is just a “habit”?

In reality, there is always something we can be “doing”, but “could be” isn’t the same as “should be”. There’s always more to be done if you want to do it. But, are you chasing the fallacy of an empty do to list? If so, will your habit of being “productive” just keep putting more things on it? Hmmm…Likely.
 
Find the balance to give the world the best of you, rather than the rest of you.
 
Constantly needing to feel productive, actually drove me nuts. (I’ve learned I solve all my problems when I’m running!) But to still be productive in a more enjoyable way, took conscious choice and effort to change.
 
Whether it’s managing your stress, managing your priorities, or managing your guilt (and other emotions) around prioritizing yourself, this is your life. We can find a way.

Each of my 4 programs address this. Which is best for you? Click here: Let's set up a chat.
 
 
Danielle

In 2013, I was what I considered “situationally depressed”.

The feeling of constant stress and pressure due to the amount of student debt I was carrying was starting to leave me feeling worried, unhappy, and hopeless, more often than feeling anything else.  The point at which I started to become concerned, was when I thought,  what happens if this doesn't go away? It seemed like it had become my new normal and that thought scared me.  

I realized that the 8 years of time and $185,000 I had invested into my profession, only got me to a place I realized wasn’t really for me, but here I was… stuck with this debt from a career I didn’t really want. 

I was angry. I felt stuck. I thought I had done everything I was "supposed" to do. I was 29 and had no idea what I was going to do with my life. These thoughts had been going on for 3 years already… “these thoughts”, I realized, were going to be the death of me unless I did something to change them. 

"These thoughts" were what were making me "sick". 

2 things happened: 

#1: I realized if I kept having the same thoughts, I was going to stay in the same situation, and eventually end up being properly depressed. (Not a good option, I thought.)

#2: I knew literally no one was going to get me out of this situation other than myself. It was time to accept and own the situation I was in. It was time to take full responsibility in order to make a change.

“I’m depressed," I thought, "but it’s only because of my situation. It’s just because of my debt. If I didn’t have this debt, I wouldn’t be depressed…? So am I really even depressed?” (I thought I was coining this term ‘situational depression’, but clearly I wasn’t - it’s a thing! 

I knew I wasn’t going to be out of debt overnight, but wondered how it was possible to feel better in the meantime. I knew if I didn’t change something (ultimately my thoughts), I was going to lead myself down a dark path. 

I thought visiting a counselor was a waste of time given she wasn’t going to pay my debt off, but I didn’t know what else to do. 

“Even though you feel your depression might be situational, constantly feeding your brain these same thoughts is going to negatively impact you and change your brain chemistry," she told me. And then she recommended this book. ​

I was sitting here at lunch today, and realized. This is it... you’re finally doing it. 
 
For years people told me I was “living the dream”...
 
I was living in paradise. I left the cold Canadian winters for the beautiful beaches of Bermuda.
 
I was finally making the 6 figures I once thought would be impossible (especially coming from 6 figures of debt). Not only was I making some money, I was even starting to see the idea of one day being debt free an actual possibility (nooooo, that doesn’t happen…).
 
I was the fittest I had ever been, winning my Pro Card in a competitive fitness organization, landing myself in Oxygen magazine.

​I had (still have) the most incredible friends. Weekends on boats, white sand beaches, turquoise waters, weekly happy hours...
 
Externally, I had the lifestyle. I had my “shit together”.
 
I was “living the dream,” when all I could really think was, “Is this it?”... 
 
I could finally afford nice vacations and found they were a bit...unfulfilling? Empty? Sad? What’s this about?
 
That’s when it hit me. 
 
What do you spend the most time doing? Work.
 
Who do you spend the most time with? If you have one, probably your partner. (If you don’t have one, probably yourself.) 
 
Meaningful work. Meaningful relationships. 2 of the most important things to me. And yet both were no longer meaningful.

I was “living the dream” in my external world, but I wasn’t thriving in the areas that were important to ME. To my core.
 
Even vacations were sad and empty because they were a temporary ESCAPE from my day to day WORK (aka from my real life) and they made me realize that running away temporarily didn’t change the person who I was WITH, either.
 
Living the dream externally, yet falling apart on the inside.
 
I would try to change EVERYTHING about my surroundings without addressing the actual cause, which only lead me to develop FULL. ON. ANXIETY and situational depression. And as long as I kept trying to change my external world without changing the actual cause, my anxiety would get louder and louder (sounds like common sense, right?).
 
The dread of returning to my day to day work and the fact that I was still in a relationship that needed to end - those things weren’t being addressed. Those things were the things that needed to change but weren’t changing. 
 
Whose going to change those things, IF. NOT. ME...?
 
I felt like my entire life was a façade but certainly not intentionally. I wasn’t putting on a front. I wasn’t pretending to be happy when I wasn’t. I didn’t know WHAT I was doing!
 
 Meaningful Work and Meaningful Relationships. 
What we spend the most of our time doing and who we spend most of the time with.
 
LIVING THE DREAM MEANS making your INSIDE world match your OUTSIDE world.
 
"Living the dream" means thriving in the areas that are important to YOU.
 
For me, this meant it was ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY for meaningful work and meaningful relationships to be aligned to make MY inside world MATCH my outside world.
 
It wasn’t until I made this connection that I was then able to change the entire trajectory of my life.
 
But what about YOU?
 
How are those aligned for you? Your work? Your feelings about work? Your current relationship? Or your relationship with yourself? (Your "meaningful relationship" with YOURSELF is the MOST important place to start). 
 
If not work or relationships, what do you NEED to be true to the real you in order to be living your best life?
 
Huh. This is where a lot of people get stuck. No forward movement.
 
Your personal formula for living the dream : making YOUR INSIDE WORLD = OUTSIDE WORLD 
 
I was doing everything everyone told me I should do to be happy and successful. And there lies the problem. Most people aren’t genuinely happy. Why would you listen to them? 
YOU define your dream. No one else. 
 
So until you figure that formula out, inside = outside, you might feel a bit lost. Wandering through life aimlessly. A little unfulfilled.  That is where I can help you get on your path.
 
 The two most liberating experiences of my life, were getting out of that relationship (an unwritten novel in itself), and finally letting go of an 11 year professional career (that took 8 years of invested time and tuition…trust me, I understand feeling “stuck!”). The feelings on the other side of these changes were SO incredible, I felt the need to help as many people as possible feel this way in their own life. People need to know what it feels like to feel empowered. Fulfilled. To have inner peace with WHO they are and be in alignment with actually living it out.
 
If you have ever felt “liberated”, than you know the exact feeling I’m talking about. If you haven’t, you have to. It’s the stuff that life is all about.
 
For this reason, I will always coach clients through these 2 major transitions in their lives.  As a Certified Specialist in Life Transitions through the Institute of Professional Excellence in Coaching, I’ve got all the tools to share with you.
 
I will always offer my 8 month, life-changing signature program to help as many people as possible live THEIR dream. It’s a combination of all the tools, skills, principals and disciplines I’ve learned through multiple organizations that I myself needed to master in order to change my OWN life. A set of skills and disciplines from the Institute of Professional Excellence in Coaching to change the entire TRAJECTORY of your LIFE.
 
Change your life. Live your dream.
 
If you’re living the dream externally, yet falling apart on the inside…
 
If you’re “living the dream” according to everyone else but you just don’t feel like it…
 
If you have a “perfect family”, good paying job, security/stability....you’ve got “it all”...but you don’t feel fulfilled. You’re happy, but you’re NOT HAPPY. And you feel GUILTY for not feeling happy…
 
If you know that life is good, but it’s not “the good you want”, that something still doesn’t feel right…
 
If your outside world doesn’t match your inside world, this program might be (is) for you.
 
Learn more about it here.
 
Make your outside world match your inside world. Give me a shout.