An interesting reason some adults who seem to “have everything” aren’t happy…

Psychologist Dr. Becky made a very interesting point in a podcast I listened to recently.

At her private practice in Manhattan, her clients seemed to tick all the boxes - they were successful, had good jobs, decent upbringings… but they seemed to be unhappy, and couldn't figure out why. 

At first you would assume that maybe there was something in their childhood (and therefore still in their subconscious) that might be contributing to their unhappiness, but it was actually the opposite - they all remembered quite loving, easy, fulfilled childhoods. Their parents “gave them everything”. 

She found that if a parent’s only goal was to make their child happy, it set them up for being unhappier adults. 

How? 

Well, "little Tommy" didn’t make the local soccer team. Disappointment. Dad swoops in, drives him 45 minutes each way to play for another team. Problem fixed. Happy kid. 

Jenny dropped her ice cream. Tears. Mom immediately buys a new one. Happy. 

In both of these circumstances, disappointment was 1) short, and 2) always followed (and relatively quickly followed) by happiness. There was never a need to sit in the uncomfortable emotion (and reality) of let down, disappointment, sadness… 

So as adults, not only have they become uncomfortable sitting in uncomfortable emotions, when it’s also not then followed by happiness, things feel unresolved. Something isn’t right. 

Sure, we don’t LIKE to see our kids unhappy, but I guess my point is, have comfort in knowing that when they are, they are learning a major life lesson - to deal with difficult emotions - and that may give them the ability to be “happier” adults. Immediately solving their problems robs them of building their self-confidence (and emotional intelligence). 

If you want your kids to be happy, “Happiness lies in your ability to sit in the divine unknown*.”

(*Unknown = the muck, the ick, the crappy feelings…) 

Help them do THAT.

But guess what? The SAME GOES FOR ADULTS!!

As a parent, it helps me find more comfort in watching Rome struggle with emotions (and being told NO, ha!) but as an adult, it helps me make sense of my own ability to be happy. 

Rather than decide uncomfortable feelings are bad, and happy feelings are GOOD, realize that the whole spectrum of emotions is part of the reality of life. It's not good or bad, it's normal. Get comfortable with it. 


(I then stumbled across Dr. Becky's book, Good Inside, where she reiterates the same thing. Whether you have kids or not, I think for adults who read this book, it helps them understand so much about themselves and how they learned to process (or not process) their own emotions. It's a great book for self-development in general, to help peel back another layer of what has made you, you.)