Who are you talking to?

I’ve been irritated for the last week. I’ve found myself going over the same hypothetical argument in my head. (May I remind you, hypothetical arguments can wind you up but come with no resolution!) Now usually this doesn't last long when I do this. I have learned to recognize that when this happens, something needs to be resolved ASAP. Too much wasted energy and head space, it's not worth it. But this time, something a client shared with me came to mind. 

They said they knew they were making progress because they were having more and more conversations in their head with “themself.”

This past week, who was I "talking" to in my head? Other “people.
 
Now I’m not sure if this is the type of scenario my client was referring to, but it makes sense.
 
How many times have you argued with someone inside your head?

Someone has disappointed you, pissed you off, crossed a boundary and you practice all the versions of what you will say, in your head – full on conversations of “And then they will say this, and then I will say that, and then they will say…”. You are fighting with invisible people and it likely gets you worked up… when we do this, we start to ruminate on the things that piss us off without actually fixing them. And then how do we feel? Irritated.
 
So how do I stop it in its tracks when I do this?

Don’t have a conversation with them, have a conversation with myself.

“Yeah... I’m pissed. I’m frustrated. Of course I am, because this person has once again pushed things too far. So then what do we want to do about? Is there a boundary we are not enforcing? So then…? Enforce it. Make a promise to yourself right now that going forward this boundary takes precedent. I can’t afford to keep getting upset about the same things, so do something differently. Do I need to talk to this person about this or is it something we can just let go and move forward with a plan? Either pick up the phone, or go ahead with said plan. Things will go better if I try to stay calm."

Focus on YOU. All solutions here are within your control. You don’t need anyone on the other end to hear you out in order to calm yourself down and feel better. Invisible people in your head do not have the answers, nor are they worth the energy. 
 
 When we fight others in our heads, we are usually just working ourselves up. We are in full on defensive mode, which puts our nervous system in a stressed state (fight or flight). 

Talking to ourselves in our heads, versus others, if it's positive self talk, we are usually are usually working through and validating our feelings, calming ourselves down, having our back, remembering that “we’ve got this”, and that you will get through it. Make a plan to resolve this rather than fight about it.

 So, one of the easiest ways to check ourselves, might be to ask, “Who am I talking to?”
 

1. Figure out where your values are in the situation. Which values have been violated to upset you? How does that make you feel?
2. Figure out if what you need to say needs to be said/shared.

(Sometimes it’s not necessary to share opinions that get us nowhere (ie: do I simply want to get the last word in? (drama), sometimes the person on the other end of the conversation isn’t capable of hearing what we are saying (narcissists, where sharing your perspective may only leave you feeling more frustrated.)

       3. Make a plan to say it, or let it go and trust yourself. Stand with your values. 

This can help avoid rumination over unhelpful internal dialogue. Rumination that can lead to anxiety and depression, because it often keeps circling back to dead end roads and no resolution.
 
So, to reset – who are you talking to in your head? Is it others? Or is it you? 
Start talking to yourself. What do you need to hear? 

What a brilliant perspective.  I love learning things from clients.
 
(And if the self talk in your head is not positive, if you are beating yourself up and are overall negative, that won’t be helpful either. Please reach out if you want to change that.)